SnappleMan and virt, who are both legendary remix artists, like to trash each other in the few weeks leading up to the Dwelling of Duels competition for MAGfest. And even though virt defeated SnappleMan, they still left the DoD fans with a lot of pure internet gold. I am providing you all with their recent exchange, because I swear I haven’t laughed this hard before.

virt: Now, it’s time to officially post notice that Snappleman has one month to lube his tiny Greek asshole. I finally upgraded to Cubase 5, which has analog warmth, so the playing field is even; you’re about to get front-loaded.

SnappleMan: Nice try, but I just downloaded a 45gb collection of vintage console harmonic distortion impulses so authentic that not even harmony central users can tell the difference. You’re going down.

virt: Oh, you want to go there? No, see, it’s like this.

I just took advantage of Soundsonline’s 15-for-1 special. I paid for East West Quantum Leap Symphonic Orchestra Gold Platinum Turbo XP Complete Plus Composer’s Collection HD II: Return of East West Quantum Leap Symphonic Orchestra Gold Platinum Turbo XP Complete Plus Composer’s Collection HD..

And I got, for free:

• Quantum Leap Tuna (30 gigs of fish impacts, recorded at Jim Henson Studios)
• Quantum Leap Passion of the Drums (drums beaten and hung on crucifix, with free klezmer add-on)
• Ilio HYDRA (hard drive enclosure with 9 drives filled with Cithara, Phorminx, Lyra, Epigonion, Barbiton, and Pandouris samples)
• Quantum Leap DRAGO (Vince DiCola toms)
• East West Fab Seven (Max Weinberg drumkits, only one velocity layer)
• East West Fab Three (post-breakup Beatles solo career instruments)
• Quantum Leap 150 Roses (soulful vocal performances by Brooklyn-area escorts and massage specialists)
• Quantum Leap Pneumatic Anvil (Aerosmith instruments, such presets as “EDGE LIVIN’” and “BRO LOOKS LIKE A CHICK”)
• Best Service MEL (Mel Blanc impersonating instruments with dozens of articulations each)
• Zero-G The Very Best of Autotune
• Quantum Leap Crunch (Snare drums made by time-compressing entire songs into 150 milliseconds)
• Quantum Leap Punch (Snappleman guitar solo construction kit, 2 notes of a lick mapped to each key)
• East West Proton (Symphonic library recorded in Chernobyl with geiger counter clicks baked into the samples)
• East West Quantum Leap (multisamples of Scott Bakula’s various instrumental performances in the TV series “Quantum Leap”)

I intend to use them ALL to kill you old-style.

SnappleMan: Again, nice try, but I’m collaborating with this guy.
So again, you’re going down.

virt: In that case, I’m just going to have to collab with this guy.
You leave me no choice. I hope it’s quick and you don’t suffer too much.

SnappleMan: Gonna mail my raw tracks to Monster Mix studios to have Michael Angelo Batio mix them on his AnalogDigital effects system, the mixing board is inside protools.

virt: Make you a deal. My wedding band is fitting loose, lately; If it gets lost up your ass, you can pawn it to buy yourself a copy of Virtual Guitarist Electric Edition, to improve your rhythm parts.

SnappleMan:

virt: Prince Of Darkness, on 02 December 2009 – 12:50 PM, said:
When you guys tie again I’ll be laughing so hard I’ll have an aneurysm.

God forbid, then the rest of us might have a chance!

Anyway, you’re safe, I’m going to vaporize him, leaving behind only greasy phyllo crumbs.

SnappleMan: virt, on 02 December 2009 – 02:24 PM, said:

virt: SnappleMan, on 02 December 2009 – 01:30 PM, said:

virt: Tony has no idea dictochat even happened, he spent the entire party staring down at the table, rocking back and forth, waiting for his song to come on.

SnappleMan: Maybe if you were that dedicated to your song you wouldn’t have placed 12th.

virt: Maybe if I wrote symphonic butt metal instead of trying something different, I wouldn’t have placed 12th. Not that that saved you, or will save you this time!

SnappleMan: Symphonic butt metal didn’t help you the year before, fuckface. Your best chance for beating me is your own contra music that might take up all my time this month.

SnappleMan: I had a private conversation with virt. Seems he really needs to win this month in order to shake some feelings of inadequacy and the depression it causes him, and he asked me to sit this month out so that he has a chance. So, sorry dudes, but virts well being is worth more to me than another first place trophy, so I wont be entering this month.

virt: I got some voice mail from Snappleman last night, begging me to end his suffering. He says his index finger is gangrened from repeatedly clicking the left mouse button with the scissor tool to snip up his solo takes.

He goes on to say, “Just kidding, the scissor tool for bitch niggaz, I just drag resize that shit. I like my solos like I like my guns, the best clip is the one right in the pocket.” Then he mostly trails off into sobbing/crying, and you can hear the unmistakable sound of a half-open fist slapping repeatedly against thick pubic fat.

SnappleMan: Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife.

virt: Excellent idea — now you’ve got tips on how to pleasure me in 2 weeks when you become my bitch.
(hint: read the “you too can have perfect pitch” advertisement text while I stuff you)

SnappleMan: The only thing poor Kristi can teach me is how to detect penetration by your AA battery sized jewcock so she doesn’t hurt your feelings by asking “Is it in yet?”.

virt: I don’t plan on using my jewcock on you, I plan on inserting my entire leg. That will bring me great pleasure, and is proportional to the musical reaming you’re about to receive.

SnappleMan: Don’t count on it! You’ll be too busy slipping and falling all over your new loose skin!

You ain’t fat! YOU AIN’T NUTHIN!

I’ll take great pleasure in destroying you with an arrangement of your very own Bible Fight music.

virt: That’s it, I’m going on an all-taco binge from now until my plane flight.
You’re SO FUCKED. You just have no idea, you poor Greek bastard.

SnappleMan: Careful you don’t put another high pass filter on your mix. Bitch.

“It sounded great in my house, I don’t know what happened! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((“

virt: Yeah, that was fucked up. And yet I still beat you that year.
The only thing that will have a filter this year is my post-coital cigarette after I unload in your ethmoid and/or sphenoid sinuses.

SHUT UP.

Chances are, every musician that’s reading this has gone into a Guitar Center sometime in their lives, picked up a guitar, or a bass, sat down at a drumset or keyboard and played the most badassical thing they know to try to get attention. They just hope that someone’s going to walk by, listen to their playing and say “hey, you’re really good!” and get recruited to a famous band or get a recording contract or something unreasonable like that. Does it work? Nope. Does it ever work? Nope.

I used to do that very same thing all the time, until I realized that no one ever talked to me or really even acknowledged me when I was playing my instruments. I kept thinking “WTF!? WHY ISN’T ANYONE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE GOD!?” And then I would walk around Guitar Center and listen to other players, no matter the skill level, and in my head I would say “Yeah, screw that guy.” Then it all made sense.

Finding people with ego at Guitar Center is comparable to finding a business major at Hollister. Any musician can talk themselves to god-like status, but can they deliver? Not really. It seems musicians’ egos are always exponentially larger than their skill levels. But I’m not here to talk about skill levels, because I really don’t care. I don’t care about anyone, good or bad, in Guitar Center, and I’m pretty sure that style of thinking is little different than everyone else there, too. But for those who still think they’re revered as gods at Guitar Center because they can play Beast and the Harlot at 500 dB with 300 gallons of distorted sploodge filtering the sound: ROFLMFAOBTMNTBAMLOLBBQ!

After I accepted the sad truth that I don’t really matter, I’ve completely 180′d my Guitar Center behavior. I just mind my own business. I always play at low volumes, I generally like to play small combo amps because they’re quieter by nature. If someone’s playing a bass on an ampeg in the bass room, I’ll go somewhere else because I’ve given up being a cocky Guitar Center douche asshole. Just give me my strings and I’ll gtfo.

Secondly, Guitar Center employees are morons and dicks. Occasionally there will be one or two guys that really deserve to be there, but a message to all you Guitar Center shoppers: DO YOUR RESEARCH BEFORE GOING INTO GUITAR CENTER. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFOREHAND. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF INEXPERIENCED SHOPPERS BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO FULFILL A SALES QUOTA.